


Piece of Cake

by pictrometer



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Baking, Crack, Humor, I was baking crack in my mind, M/M, Swearing, bruh i don't even know, controlled crack? what do you call something that could actually be possible?, ish???, it was 1 am when I wrote this, mind crack, there we go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-09
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 13:32:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4306980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pictrometer/pseuds/pictrometer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The adventures in the kitchen always seemed most memorable. 1 cup DP , 1 cup SM, bake thoroughly, serves a multitude of nosy suckers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Piece of Cake

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Don't take this seriously. In the words of Hella Jeff, “I warned you about stairs bro! I told you dog!”

Wade had a day off, so of course he was in the kitchen making new culinary discoveries. This time it was going to be a cake.

He was so ready for this.

Apron? Check.  
Eggs? Yup.  
Butter? Yep.  
Betty Crocker cake mix? Hell yes.

(What, you thought the cake was gonna be from scratch?) [We don't need no eggs straight from the chicken when Walmart exists.]

With all the ingredients in a bowl, he started mixing away. (Sriracha was optional, right?) [Yeah, it'll bake. It was only a cup.]

And he started to hum.

"It’s a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake..."  
(If the way is hazy)  
"You gotta do the cooking by the book"  
[You know you can’t be lazy!]

An unidentified figure came sailing through the sky.

"Nevah use a messy recipe!"

It got closer and closer towards his window.

(The cake will end up cray-zay!)  
"If you do the cooking by the book, then you’ll have a -"

Initially undetected, this mystery meat now came smashing though Wade's window.

"BREAK IT DOWN BITCH, LET ME SEE YOU BACK IT UP"

(I - is this...?)

"DROP THAT ASS DOWN LOW THEN PICK THAT MOTHERFUCKER UP"

(Spidey???)

"BREAK IT DOWN BITCH, LET ME SEE YOU BACK IT UP"

(Holy guacamole, what is he on) [I don't know, but can we put some in the cake?]

"DROP THAT ASS DOWN LOW THEN PICK THAT MOTHERFUCKER UP"

(Join or die.)

Wade screams back.

"NOW BACK THAT PUSSY SHE'S A MOTHERFUCKER"

"HEY BACK THAT PUSSY SHES A MOTHERFUCKER"

By the end of the artistically yelled chorus, Wade's upper level, lower level, and both next door apartment neighbors had jolly well had enough.

One serenely knocked on the wall with a broom. One kindly yelled at him to be quiet. Another was gently getting their panties in a knot.

The other one.

Uh...  
That one had called the police.

[Sneaky lil sucker!]

Wade swiveled his head sharply to the left.

Spider-man swiveled his head sharply to the right.

Eye contact.

(Hello, beautiful.)

He faintly heard a "thwip".

Just as an officer broke down his door, (Darn, just fixed that) Spidey whispered, "now turn around bitch, put that ass on a nigga," and flew off, out the window, and over the silhouette of the city.

Wade pulled his jaw off the floor quick enough to turn around and pull up some chairs for the officer and gathering herd of curious neighbors.

"Aw shucks, now I know you get excited 'bout my cookin', but it ain't ready yet!"

**Author's Note:**

> Wow! You read this far?! I like you, you twisted little pretzel, you.   
> Credit is due, but not limited to: LazyTown, Lil Jon, Walmart, Betty Crocker, and while we're at it, why not my good man Abe Lincoln, uh, I don't know, how about Nathaniel Hawthorne, and Mother Mary. Thank you.


End file.
